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Thursday, June 6th, 2024
the Week of Proper 4 / Ordinary 9
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Read the Bible

Simplified Cowboy Version

Acts 23

1 Paul stood with his shoulders back and his head high as he said, "Brothers, I stand before God and y'all with a clear conscience."

2 When these words had come out of Paul's mouth, Ananias (the high priest) nodded his head at a man close to Paul. Immediately, Paul was rocked by an open-handed slap across the face. 3 Paul shot back with ferocity at Ananias, "You will be slapped down by God himself you two-faced hypocrite! You judge me by the Code and then break it yourself by having me slapped like a mongrel dog!"

4 Some people standing near gasped, "How dare you speak to the high priest like that?!"

5 Paul took a deep breath and then said, "I didn't know he was the high priest. He sure doesn't act like one. But that doesn't matter. The Good Book says to treat your rulers with respect."

6 Paul saw that some of the high council were of the Sadducee clan and other were Pharisees. He used this to his advantage and said, "Y'all know me. I am a Pharisee just like all my granddaddies were. I'm not standing here today for any other reason than I believe we will be raised from the dead."

7 And just like that, the High Council was split in two like a bronc through a branding crew. The Sadducees on one side and the Pharisees on the other. 8 The Sadducees didn't believe in life after death (or angels or spirits), and the Pharisees did. 9 People were on their feet and screaming at each other like the Hatfields and McCoys. Then some influential Pharisees shouted over the ruckus, "He hasn't said anything wrong! What if it was an angel who spoke to him? What if God is behind all of this?" 10 This brought even more conflict to the council. Finally, the commander sent some soldiers to get Paul before they all turned on him. Paul was then taken back to the garrison.

11 That night, Jesus appeared in front of Paul and said, "You done good cowboy. You've accomplished what I wanted you to here in Jerusalem. You've told everyone about me. Now I'm sending you to Rome to do the same thing."

12 The next morning a group of Jewish rabble-rousers got together and made a promise that they wouldn't eat or drink until they killed Paul. 13 Over forty people made this pledge. 14 They went to the Jewish movers and shakers and told them of their vow. They said, "We've made an oath not to eat or drink until the outlaw Paul is dead. 15 We need you to talk to the Roman commander and have him bring Paul back for some more questioning. We will ambush Paul while he is being transferred. He won't live another day."

16 But Paul's nephew on his sister's side heard the plot and went to the garrison to tell Paul about the plan to ambush and kill him. 17 Paul asked to speak to one of the officers and said, "It's extremely important that this young man be allowed to speak to the commander. It's a matter of life and death."

18 The officer took the young boy to the commander and the officer whispered in the commander's ear, "Paul, the prisoner, said it was a life and death matter that this boy be allowed to speak to you."

19 The commander looked around and then took the boy by the shoulder and led him a little way away and said, "What is it, son?"

20 Paul's nephew said, "The Jews are going to ask you to bring my uncle back to them for some more questioning. 21 But this is all a ruse, sir. There are forty people lined up along the street who are going to ambush Paul and kill him. They've even taken a vow not to eat or drink until he is dead. I believe they've already made the request for tomorrow. They're just waiting for you to agree."

22 "Tell no one about this," the commander said in a stern voice.

Paul is Transferred to Caesarea

23 Then the commander called over two officers and said, "Y'all gather up two hundred soldiers and take Paul to Caesarea tonight at nine o'clock. Take no chances either. Take two hundred men with spears and seventy mounted cavalry, as well. 24 Give Paul his own horse and get him to Governor Felix." 25 Then the commander wrote this letter to the governor, 26 "From Claudius Lysias, to the great Governor Felix, Greetings Sir! 27 This guy was about to be killed by the Jews, but when I learned he was a Roman citizen, I had him rescued. 28 I escorted him to their High Council to find out why they had a burr under their saddle about him. 29 They were all mad over something that has to do with their religion. No charges were brought up against him, but they were sure enough fixing to kill him. 30 Then I found out they were planning on asking me for another meeting with him and then they were going to ambush him and kill him on the streets. That's when I decided to send him to you. I told his accusers they would have to talk to you about the man now."

31 That night, the soldiers escorted Paul as far as Antipatris. 32 The next morning, the cavalry took him the rest of the way to Caesarea. 33 When they got there, they gave Felix the commander's letter. 34 Felix read it carefully and then looked at Paul and asked him what province he was from. "Cilicia," Paul said.

35 "I'll preside over your trial myself when your accusers arrive," Felix said. Then Paul was ordered to be put in the jail at Herod's headquarters.

 
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