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Friday, June 14th, 2024
the Week of Proper 5 / Ordinary 10
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Read the Bible

Simplified Cowboy Version

Luke 3

John the Baptizer Blazes the Trail for Jesus

1 Emperor Tiberius had ruled that part of the world for about fifteen years. Pontius Pilate was the governor of Judea, and Herod ruled around the Sea of Galilee. Herod's brother, Philip, ran things around Iturea and Traconitis. Abilene was run by a guy named, Lysanias. 2 Annas and Caiaphas were the high preachers of the Jews. It was during this time that God came down and spoke to Zechariah's boy, John. 3 John did what God told him to and went along the Jordan Draw telling people, "Turn your lives back to God and be dunked in water for the forgiveness of your sorry ways."

4 Isaiah the prophet was talkin' about John when he said, "There's a fellow shouting from the desert, 'Clear the narrow trail. Get it ready for the Lord. Bust brush straight toward him. 5 The draws will be filled and the mountains made flat. Those winding trails will be made straight, and the rough roads become like glass. 6 Then there won't be no doubt about how God is going to save us.'"

7 Folks from everywhere came to be dunked by John, but he wasn't all lovey-dovey when he said to them, "Y'all are a bunch of snakes in the grass! Who was it that warned you to hightail it out of here before the judgment comes? 8 You say that you've turned from your wicked ways? Well, the proof is in the puddin'. And don't start tellin' me that you're one of Abraham's kids and that's all you have to be. Shoot, God could turn a dog turd into one of Abraham's kids if he wanted to. That don't give you a pass no more. 9 There's an axe ready to be swung at any cowboy who don't let his actions speak louder than his words. And if a tree is cut down, it won't be used to build a home, but to stoke the fires of hell."

10 John was sure enough givin' 'em the what for and they shouted, "Then what should we do?"

11 John said, "It's as simple as this, if you have two slickers, give one to someone who don't have nothin'. If you've got two pieces of jerked beef, give one to someone who has none."

12 Even those sorry, double-crossing tax collectors came to be dunked by John. They had their tails between their legs and would ask him, "Boss, what are we supposed to do?"

13 John said, "Quit greasin' your pockets with other people's money."

14 Then some soldiers hollered out, "What about us? What are we gonna do?"

John turned and said, "No more extortion. Live on what you make and that's all."

15 Everyone was jabberin' back and forth, "Is this fellow the one who will save us all?"

16 John heard them and cut it off quick. "All I'm doing is dunkin' y'all in water. There's a cowboy comin' who I ain't fit to adjust his stirrups. He's gonna dunk you in fire to purify you in the Holy Spirit. 17 He's got his sortin' stick out and will separate the seed stock from the sorry stock. The sorry stock will be hauled to the butcher and then burned in the fire that never goes out."

18 John told a bunch of different stories in a bunch of different ways so that people could get the idea about the good news that had arrived. 19 And John didn't cut old Herod no slack when he said, "And it takes a sorry fella to steal his brother's wife and everything else you've done." 20 Later on, Herod locked John up . . . and this was probably the worst thing he could have done.

Jesus is Dunked

21 While everyone was in line to get dunked by John, Jesus came too. After getting dunked, Jesus was praying and the whole sky opened up. 22 The Holy Spirit flew down from heaven in the form of a dove and landed on him. Then from heaven, a voice shook the earth as it said, "You are my boy, and you sure make a Dad proud."

23 Jesus began giving clinics on how to ride for God when he was about thirty years old. They all thought he was Joseph's son. That family line went something like this starting with Heli: 24 Matthat, Levi, Melki, Jannai, Joseph, 25 Mattathias, Amos, Nahum, Esli, Naggai, 26 Maath, Mattathias, Semein, Josek, Joda, 27 Joanan, Rhesa, Zerubbabel, Shealtiel, Neri, 28 Melki, Addi, Cosam, Elmadam, Er, 29 Joshua, Eliezer, Jorim, Matthat, Levi, 30 Simeon, Judah, Joseph, Jonam, Eliakim, 31 Melea, Menna, Mattatha, Nathan, David, 32 Jesse, Obed, Boaz, Salmon, Nahshon, 33 Amminadab, Admin, Arni, Hezron, Perez, Judah, 34 Jacob, Isaac, Abraham, Terah, Nahor, 35 Serug, Reu, Peleg, Eber, Shelah, 36 Cainan, Arphaxad, Shem, Noah, Lamech, 37 Methuselah, Enoch, Jared, Mahalalel, Kenan, 38 Enosh, and Seth.

So, with that, Jesus went all the way back to Seth's daddy, Adam . . . but more importantly, straight to God.

 
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