Lectionary Calendar
Thursday, June 13th, 2024
the Week of Proper 5 / Ordinary 10
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Read the Bible

Simplified Cowboy Version

Acts 1

1 Dear Theophilus, in the last book I wrote you, I told you of all the things Jesus did and what he taught. 2 The book ended with Jesus going to heaven after giving instructions through the Trail Guide, or Holy Spirit, to his cowboys. 3 During those forty days between his riding back into town and heading over the hill to go be with his Father, Jesus left no doubt he had ridden back from the dead and was indeed alive. 4 At one point, Jesus told all of 'em, "Don't leave Jerusalem until my Dad has given you the gift he promised. 5 John the Baptizer used water, but in a few days you'll be baptized with the Holy Spirit."

Jesus Heads North

6 The cowboys gathered around him and asked, "Boss, are you fixin' to free Israel and give us a king again?"

7 He replied, "That ain't for y'all to know. 8 But I will let y'all in on this, when the Holy Ghost fills you up, y'all will ride to the far ends of the world to tell folks about me."

9 After saying this, he was taken up to heaven, and a cloud moved in between the cowboys and Jesus. 10 As they stood there trying to keep him in view, two cowboys on white horses suddenly stood in their presence. 11 "Cowboys," they said, "why are y'all standing around gawking at the sky? Jesus has been taken to heaven, but one day he will return in the same fashion."

A New Cowboy Is Chosen

12 The cowboys then made the short ride from Olive Hill back into Jerusalem. 13 They unsaddled and went to the upstairs room of the house they were staying in. The cowboys who were there were Pete, John, James, Bart, Matt, Alpheus's son James, Simon, and the other Judas (James's boy). 14 They all made a pact that they were going to see their mission through to the end. They prayed together along with Jesus's momma, Mary, and several other women. Jesus's brothers were there, too.

15 At this time, there were about 120 people in the room. 16 Pete stood up and said, "Pards, the double-crossing that Judas did on our Boss was predicted a long time ago by David. 17 Judas gathered right alongside of us in this ministry."

18 With the money he got for stabbing Jesus in the back, Judas bought some acreage outside of town. He got yard-darted out there, and when he hit the ground, his intestines spilled out of his body like a gut-shot animal. 19 Everyone heard about what had happened, and the acreage got the nickname of "Akeldama," which means "Blood Field."

20 Pete continued, "What Judas did was written in the Book of Psalms and says, 'Let his land be barren. Let no one make a home there.' It also says, 'Find a good cowboy to fill the gap.'

21 "So now we have to find a new cowboy to take his place. This cowboy must have ridden with us the entire time we rode with the Lord. 22 He needs to have been there from the time Jesus was baptized by John until the day he died. This cowboy will help us spread the news that Jesus came ridin' back from the dead."

23 Two cowboys who fit the criteria were nominated: Justus, aka Joseph Barsabbas, and Matthias. 24 Then all the people prayed, "God, you know all of us inside and out. Pick which of these two men you would have 25 on your crew to replace Judas. That counterfeit Judas got just what he deserved and is now in the place he belongs." 26 The two cowboys drew straws and Matthias was chosen to ride with the other eleven cowboys.

 
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