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Saturday, June 1st, 2024
the Week of Proper 3 / Ordinary 8
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Read the Bible

Simplified Cowboy Version

Acts 13

1 Now there were some top hands at the church in Antioch of Syria. There was Barnabas, Simeon (nicknamed Blackie), Lucius from Cyrene, Manaen (who'd been brought up in the palace with King Herod Antipas), and Saul. 2 One day these cowboys were all fasting and praising God, and the Holy Spirit said, "Turn loose Barnabas and Saul. I got something special for them to do." 3 They all did more fasting and praying. Then the other cowboys laid their hands on the two men and sent them out to gather remnants for God.

Paul's First Cattle Drive

4 The two cowboys, guided by the Holy Spirit, long trotted to Seleucia, and then sailed from there to Cyprus. 5 When they got to Salamis, they headed to the local Jewish church and started telling them about Jesus. A young cowboy named John Mark was with 'em.

6 They trotted the whole island until they reached Paphos. It was there they ran into a Jewish witch doctor named Bar-Jesus. 7 This fellow rode for the local governor there, a man named Sergius Paulus. The governor was a sharp man, and he sent for these two cowboys who were gathering remnants on the island. He wanted to hear what they were telling everyone about God. 8 But Elymas, the witch doctor (that's what his name means in the plain tongue), rode right in front of the two cowboys and tried to cut them off before the governor could talk to them. He urged his boss not to listen to the cowboy's nonsense. He knew he'd be ruined if the governor started believing in God.

9 Saul, who most people know as Paul, was filled with the Holy Ghost and looked that old witch doctor right in the eye and said, 10 "You no-account, devil-riddled, son of a gun! You think you can ride in and scatter this gathering? 11 Watch what's fixing to happen to you. The Lord is fixing to show you who's boss. He's jerking the sight right out of your head, and you won't even be able to see the sun for a while." Right then, something like a dark fog enveloped him, and he couldn't see. He started screaming and feeling around for someone to help him. 12 When the governor seen what happened, he became a believer in God right there. He couldn't get enough of the teaching about God.

Paul Gathers in Antioch of Pisidia

13 Paul and the other two cowboys sailed out of Paphos for Pamphylia. They arrived in the port of Perga. When they got there, John Mark turned yellow and quit the crew and returned to Jerusalem. 14 Paul and Barnabas struck a long trot inland for Antioch of Pisidia. On the day of rest, they went to the local Jewish church for the services. 15 After the usual readings from the Good Book of Moses, the preachers invited Paul and Barnabas saying, "If y'all cowboys got a word from the Lord, we'd love to hear it."

16 So Paul got up and motioned for everyone to quiet down. He said, "Listen up you cowboys from Israel and you God-fearing mavericks. 17 The God of Israel chose our granddaddies over everyone else. He even strengthened them while they were slaves in Egypt and 18 he was with 'em during the forty years in the wilderness after he set 'em free. 19 He led the charge and defeat of seven mighty nations in Canaan so his kids could have the country he promised 'em. 20 Everything I've just said took about four hundred and fifty years. After this, God gave Israel some cowboys he called Judges to lead the nation. This went on until the time of Samuel the prophet. 21 Then the people were crying out for a king and God gave 'em Saul, son of Kish. This cowboy was from the Benjamin outfit and he ruled for forty years. 22 After God got rid of Saul, he made David the king. God said this about David, 'I have found this buckaroo, David, son of Jesse, to be a man after my own heart. He will do everything I tell him to do.'

23 "From David descendants, God gave us the Top Hand who would save Israel from their sins just like he promised to. 24 Before Jesus came, the great cowboy named John preached a message of radically changing your life to ride for God and being dunked in water. He told his message to all the cowboys in Israel. 25 When John's gathering was just about finished he said, 'Who do y'all think I am? It ain't me who will save you from the killer-buyer. There's another cowboy coming who I ain't fit to pull the boots off of after a long day's ride.'

26 "Listen to me all you Jewish cowboys and all y'all God-fearing mavericks. This message on how to be saved has been sent directly to you. 27 The people of Jerusalem and the head honchos of the church didn't recognize Jesus for the cowboy he really was and had him strung up and killed without cause.28 But this had to happen to fulfill all the things in the Good Book that had been predicted. 29 When everything had been done to him, they took him off the cross and laid him in a tomb. 30 But God reached down and snatched him from the grave, 31 and for a while he was seen by many who'd rode with him from Galilee to Jerusalem. They are the ones who give our people an eyewitness account of these great things.

32 "This is the good news we tell you, God promised our ancestors a cowboy who would save us all. 33 He has fulfilled that promise to us, their children, by raising up Jesus from the dead. It's even written in the Good Book of Psalms, 'You're my boy, and today I have become your daddy.' 34 God had said he wouldn't leave his boy in a grave on boot hill to rot. He said, 'I'm passing along to you the blessings I promised to David.' 35 It's also written in another place, 'You won't let your holy one be eaten by worms.'

36 "When David's ride for God was done, he fell asleep and was buried with his granddaddies. His body has decayed. 37 But the cowboy who came riding back from the dead did not decay.

38 "Ok, here's the point I've been getting at, it is through Jesus all your sins will be forgiven and you'll be saved from the kill truck. 39 Any cowboy who believes in Jesus will be in good standing with God. This is something the code of Moses could never accomplish. 40 But watch for badger holes! Don't let the prophets' words apply to you when they said, 41 'All y'all who made fun of me, the true God, better look out because you're being loaded on the kill truck. I am doing things that are amazing, and most people wouldn't even believe it if someone told them it was happening.'"

42 When Paul and Barnabas left that day, people were begging them to come back next week and tell them more. 43 There were a lot of Jews and Jewish converts who believed what they said and became believers. The two cowboys urged all of 'em to continue to ride and rely on the grace of God.

Paul Gathers the Mavericks

44 That following week, the whole area turned out to listen to the word of the Lord. 45 But when some of the Jews saw how many people turned out, they became jealous. They started talking crap about Paul and argued with him over anything he said.

46 Paul and Barnabas didn't cut them any slack and said, "We've done our part and told you Jews about Jesus first. But since y'all won't listen, and therefore loaded yourselves on the kill truck, then we will offer this gift to the unbranded mavericks. 47 The Lord gave us these orders, 'Y'all are a campfire in the night for all the mavericks to come to. Y'all will help bring salvation to the far corners of the world.'"

48 When the mavericks (anyone not Jewish) heard this, they whooped and hollered with joy. Everyone who believed in the brand would now be saved. 49 The Lord's good news spread throughout the whole countryside.

50 Then the Jews stirred up the prominent women of the area, and those busy bodies incited a riot against the two cowboys. They chased them out of town. 51 Paul and Barnabas shook the dust off their boots as a sign of rejection and loped off toward Iconium. 52 And all the believers around there were filled with the Holy Ghost.

 
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